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Stimati colegi, fondurile din amenzi au scazut drastic, asa ca… la treaba! dati amenda pentru orice!

Cu ordinul proaspat in memorie, politistul statea in mijlocul strazii asteptand victima. Apare un jeep… “A! Asta sigur are bani…” Il controleaza… toate actele in regula, masina nu avea nimic, soferul nu era baut… “Ma, nu pot sa il las sa plece asa…”
- Domnule sofer, am o intrebare pentru dumneavoastra: sunteti pe sosea, noaptea, si din fata se apropie o lumina… Ce e?
- O motocicleta, domnu` politist…
- Raspuns evaziv! Poate sa fie o Honda, poate sa fie o Yamaha… Amenda!………. Mai am o intrebare pentru dumneavoastra: sunteti pe sosea, noaptea, si din fata se apropie doua luminite… Ce sa fie?
- O masina, dom` politist…
- Raspuns evaziv! Poate sa fie o Dacie, poate sa fie un Mercedes… Amenda!
- Dom` politist, pot sa va pun si eu o intrebare? Cum stati dumneavoastra asa in post, noaptea, vedeti ca trece strada o femeie, fusta scurta, tocuri, tigara in mana, mana in sold, machiata ca dracu`… Ce e?
- Haideti dom`le… o curva, normal!
- Raspuns evaziv! Poate sa fie ma-ta, poate sa fie nevasta-ta…

- De ce ti-ai vopsit, Dle, masine rosie pe o parte si verde pe cealalta?
- Imi place sa vad cum se contrazic martorii in caz de accident.

3 tipi mor si ajung la poarta Raiului. Sf Petru ii intreaba: - De cate ori v-ati inselat nevestele? - Eu niciodata in 30 de ani de casnicie, raspunde primul. - Foarte bine, uite ai aici un Mercedes sa te plimbi in Rai. - Eu o singura data in 40 de ani de casnicie, spune al doilea. - Nu e chiar atat de grav, se iarta. Uite un Hyundai sa mergi cu el prin rai. - Eu de vreo 10 ori in 20 ani de casnicie, raspunde ultimul. - Aoleu, ce rau ai fost. Insa pentru ca ai fost cinstit, uite o Dacie sa mergi cu ea prin Rai. Dupa cativa ani se intalnesc cel cu Dacia si cel cu Mercedesul la un stop. Cel cu Mercedes plangea. - De ce plangi omule? Ce s-a intamplat? - Uite… a murit nevasta-mea ieri… si am vazut-o azi prin Rai pe role…))

Merge Kant, marele filozof, la o stana din Romania: - Pastore ancestral, ale tale sunt aceste mirifice ovine care se autofurajeaza pe acest mioritic plai?
Ciobanul de pe banca, dand din cap: - Indubitabil!

Un irakian si un kuweitian stateau fata in fata in transee si se impuscau de zor.La un moment dat irakianului i se blocheaza mitraliera:- La bisda-bisdii matii de bushc’ imbuzit! injura irakianul in cea mai pura romaneasca de care era el in stare.Kuweitianul il aude si il intreaba intr-o romaneasca la fel de pur stalcita:- Bei bork de gaine, de inde stii la tine ruminejte, bei?- Ieu facut jgoal la Rumania, bei gegule goglit!- Zeu? Ji unde fecut la tine jgoal?- In Biucresh. Ei! Ji ce jgoal fecut tu, bei?- Bolitehnica. Da’ di ge?- Pei ji eu fecut jgoal la Romania.- Daaa? Ce jgoal?- Eu fecut Medigin la Tirgu Murej.Irakianul intre timp isi reparase mitraliera si incepe sa traga mai indarjit dupa kuweitian.- Ia bei glonz, la bizda ma-tii de ungur!

One blonde asks another “Which is further, London or the Moon?”.
The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!”

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline…”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were enjoying the sun.
Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet? How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me? How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered creepy and disgusting? How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?
So the hamster answered:
“It’s branding, dude.”

Politia rutiera la locul accidentului discutand despre importanta purtarii centurii de siguranta:

- Uitati-va la acest om care nu a purtat centura: cap rupt, matze pe parbriz, ochi in pomi, fara maini…. , in schimb, uitati-va la cel care a purtat centura… parca-i viu.

A man is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he comes upon a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the man, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”