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One blonde asks another “Which is further, London or the Moon?”.
The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!”

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline…”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde, please do not press any buttons; you will just mess it up

A hamster and a rat were sitting on the side of a swimming pool. They were enjoying the sun.
Suddenly the rat turned to the hamster and asked him:
Dude, How come people consider me a noisance, and you a pet? How come people pay money to have you, while they are trying to kill me? How come you are considered a cute little animal, while I am considered creepy and disgusting? How come you live in a warm home, and I have to stay in the sewer?
So the hamster answered:
“It’s branding, dude.”

A man is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he comes upon a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip has been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the man, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”

Question : What’s the difference between white fairytales and black fairytales?
Answer:
White fairy tales start, “Once upon a time…”.
Black fairytales start, “Yo, you motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
The only one who received an A+ wrote the following: Good God, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.

40 years

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it”. In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?”

The man thought for a while and said: “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: “Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

The woman was shocked, but said: “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: “Why do you have all That money in the box?” To which the man answered:
“Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, “Ah, young love … ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers … C’est magnifique!” He continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he gasped. “Mais … Sacre bleu! Ze woman — she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, “Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”

“Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!”

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

“Pierre, Pierre … this is Jean. I was in Gaston’s field … zere is a young couple naked aving sex,” to which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!”

“Mon dieu!” Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.”

-Name?
-Abu Dalah Sarafi.
-Sex?
-Four times a week.
-No, no, no….. male or female?
-Male, female…… sometimes camel…